“Some things just really seem to push his buttons, like work, having to deal with other people, or any inescapable feature of human existence along those lines, really,” Mariani continued. ”It’s best to try to avoid that stuff when you’re around him.”
Krypel reportedly grows petulant and sanctimonious and reacts with an unfounded sense of aggrievement when exposed to any facet of 21st century life, from technology, to fixed timetables and schedules, to listening, to modes of transportation.
Additionally, a source close to the local man confirmed, ”You don’t want to be anywhere near [Krypel]” when he’s around the economy.
“For a long time, I thought Justin was kind of a jerk, but that’s because I only ever saw him in the context of universally agreed upon societal conventions and the fundamental precept of the division of labor, both of which tend to draw out some of his more negative characteristics,” coworker Ellen Chastenay, 30, said. ”Eventually I realized he just has certain triggers, like being a member of a functioning society.”
“If you can keep him away from the concepts of cooperation, the social contract, or the necessity of using a common language to engage in routine interpersonal communication, he’s just like everyone else,” Chastenay added.
Anyway, I was driving to work last month and the whole thing fell off. I heard it dragging for about five minutes, then the next thing you know, I’m looking at it in the rearview mirror. I should have stopped to pick it up, but I was running late already. When I passed by on my way home, someone had already gotten it. Must have been for the scrap metal, which sucks, because if I couldn’t have reattached it, I would have sold it myself. Muffler and tailpipe assembly? That’s got to be worth like four bucks right there.
“My fellow Americans,” Bush said, “at long last, we have reached the end of the dark period in American history that will come to be known as the Clinton Era, eight long years characterized by unprecedented economic expansion, a sharp decrease in crime, and sustained peace overseas. The time has come to put all of that behind us.” Bush swore to do “everything in [his] power” to undo the damage wrought by Clinton’s two terms in office, including selling off the national parks to developers, going into massive debt to develop expensive and impractical weapons technologies, and passing sweeping budget cuts that drive the mentally ill out of hospitals and onto the street. During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years.
‘According to GOP sources, the decision to cede the 2012 election to Obama came after rank-and-file Republicans agreed that grinding the president down to nothing and pushing him to the brink of insanity was far more in line with the Republican Party’s core principles than actually controlling the White House, making laws, or governing the country.’
Neil deGrasse Tyson, Astrophysicist supports an #OnionPulitzer (by AfajpOnline)
Bo Obama, Dog supports an #OnionPulitzer (by AfajpOnline)
Neil Gaiman, Author supports an #OnionPulitzer (by AfajpOnline)
CARSON CITY, NV—In an effort to promote diversity within their political base, national Tea Party leaders gathered today in Nevada’s capital to announce their intention to embrace more coloreds in the lead-up to the 2010 midterm elections. “We’re bringing new voices and perspectives into the movement every day, and the addition of some more coloreds is only the beginning,” Tea Party spokesman Michael Kealey told reporters, adding that he was “excited to welcome Negroes into the fold.” “The time has come for everyone, Orientals even, to take America back.” Kealey went on to say that the inclusion of homos in the movement would be “out of the question,” unless they were the normal kind.
Truth in satire.
WASHINGTON—Citing a desire to gain influence in Washington, the American people confirmed Friday that they have hired high-powered D.C. lobbyist Jack Weldon of the firm Patton Boggs to help advance their agenda in Congress.
Known among Beltway insiders for his ability to sway public policy on behalf of massive corporations such as Johnson & Johnson, Monsanto, and AT&T, Weldon, 53, is expected to use his vast network of political connections to give his new client a voice in the legislative process.
Weldon is reportedly charging the American people $795 an hour.
“Unlike R.J. Reynolds, Pfizer, or Bank of America, the U.S. populace lacks the access to public officials required to further its legislative goals,” a statement from the nation read in part. “Jack Weldon gives us that access.”
“His daily presence in the Capitol will ensure the American people finally get a seat at the table,” the statement continued. “And it will allow him to advance our message that everyone, including Americans, deserves to be represented in Washington.”
The 310-million-member group said it will rely on Weldon’s considerable clout to ensure its concerns are taken into account when Congress addresses issues such as education, immigration, national security, health care, transportation, the economy, affordable college tuition, infrastructure, jobs, equal rights, taxes, Social Security, the environment, housing, the national debt, agriculture, energy, alternative energy, nutrition, imports, exports, foreign relations, the arts, and crime.
Sources confirmed that Weldon is already scheduled to have drinks Monday with several members of the Senate Appropriations Committee to discuss saving the middle class.
Sounds like a grand idea to me … .
Every so often, an academic finds the right forum at the right time and breaks out of the lecture hall and into the culture at large. Before American scholar Joseph Campbell died in 1987, he sat with PBS host Bill Moyers for a series of interviews about his lifelong interest in world mythology and its commonalities. Campbell wrote well-received books both prior to and following his retirement from Sarah Lawrence in 1972, and throughout his life, he was an in-demand lecturer, prized both for his insights and for the accessible way he presented them. But Campbell’s popularity exploded posthumously, after Moyer’s interviews with him aired as a six-hour miniseries in 1988. Though illustrated with film clips and old texts, Joseph Campbell And The Power Of Myth primarily consists of Moyers asking questions, and Campbell answering at length. And yet the series remains so beloved that even now, some PBS stations air it once a year, usually during pledge drives, with Campbell/Moyers coffee-table tomes and audiobooks as premiums. The phenomenon would seem to counter the conventional wisdom about TV-watchers: We’re supposed to be dumb, so why do we like this project so much?
This is a great series … .